*Note: I feel this could also be in the 'Depression' form, but since it is mostly work-related depression, I thought it best here.


I want to feel valuable, that I am worthy and contribute to this world. If given a chance, I think I have much to offer an employer, or more abstractly, the world. For example, I am very well read. I own 1,300 in-print, nonfiction books, and like to think of myself as a specialist in a range of scholarly subjects, although I lack the academic qualifications.

But employers (and most people) only value me for being a grunt laborer, usually doing the dirtiest, filthiest, and hardest jobs that nobody else wants to do.

Every day at work I cease being a person with values, interests, thoughts, etc. Nobody cares what I think. Nobody cares how I feel. All I am is a body, a piece of equipment, and nothing else. Work reduces me to a state of nothingness.

Being in such a state of nothingness all day, all week, is making it very difficult for me to develop a positive self-image.

Again, I want to believe I am valuable, that I am more than what work reduces me to; but the fact that nothingness is what employers, and in fact almost everyone, desires of me, contradicts the self-soothing platitudes I want to believe. If I am valuable, if my knowledge and contribution to this world is important, why am I reduced to nothingness at work and by everyone I know, the exact opposite?

You might suggest changing jobs. I have tried that, about 25 times in 5 years.

You might suggest college. I have tried that, too. I am still in the same dead end jobs I was in before college, except now I am saddled with student loan debt for a degree that is worthless.

You might suggest a skilled trade. I have tried that, too. I hated it, and still hate it, and I have been running away from it for the last 5 years.

You might suggest seeking support from friends and family. Well, I am autistic, and it is virtually impossible for me to make friends, so I do not really have friends. As for family, suffice it to say that I have been diagnosed with PTSD for sexual, physical, and other abuse by them, and was long ago ostracized by them for being autistic.

You might suggest medication. I have tried that; indeed I am on 5 different medications: two antidepressants, two antipsychotics, and a sedative.

Which brings me to the crux of the issue: I do not know how to believe I am worthy, when the world and everyone in it, especially at work, where I spend the majority my life in a state of nothingness, say otherwise