So it's been a while since I've been around.. But I've found myself at nearly 0300hrs awake again and unable to sleep so here goes..

So, some will already know, but I've worked in the emergency services for nearly a decade. I love my job. I love how I can go home knowing I've helped someone. It has it's ups and downs... Some days are horrific, and unsurprisingly PTSD inducing when it goes wrong.. But the good days FAR outweigh the bad ones..
I would never want to do anything else though, even though there are the bad days.

Good grief though, more recently the bad days have just been one after the other. My team is falling apart due to personal and work stressors. One of my team-mates killed themselves a little while ago and just.. urghh..
Immediate management have their hands tied for solutions..
Most worryingly of all, I can see myself loosing grip of myself, who I am. I'm increasingly apathetic and uncaring.. It's exactly what I don't want to be. It makes me angry, it makes me sad.. I'm scared and worried and confused. I'm burnt out and can feel myself shutting down.

People aren't taking anything seriously, and it's like, it's not worth it anymore. Why bother. Why should I bust my gut at work when so many just don't care.

And now it's filtering into my personal life. My friendships have mostly fallen apart. My partner is leaving to move to the other end of the country because I'm "Difficult to live with".. I've started drinking again. A lot.

I'll get help... eventually. But good god. I thought I was past feeling like the world has stopped turning.. I thought I was past the irrational anger, the numbness, the feeling of being completely empty and outside of everything.

Why.