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When I tell him I can’t do this anymore he always gives me a shimmer of hope that we may be able to work it out. He tells me it’s none of my business what he does, he refuses to friend me on fb. I’m his dirty little secret that he even has anything to do with me. I messaged the man I had an affair with as a friend for advice and my exhusband found out and is irate.
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I'm very sorry for everything you went through when you were young.
I agree with what people said above. I want to add, though, that now he is giving you mixed messages--he seems to want to control you without giving you an actual chance to get back together. I say that he isn't treating you right.
I suggest that you go no contact with him--block him on all media, don't contact him, and ignore him if he contacts you.
Keep working on your issues. Get talk therapy to go along with the meds. And consider some of the following: Volunteer. Take up a hobby/activity that interests you. Learn/relearn a language (free on Duolingo.com). Get out in nature. Work out. Take up running. Call hotlines when you need someone to speak with, here is an example of a good one:
Caring Contact - We're Here To Listen
When you are doing better overall, you will be in a better position to decide whether or not it makes sense to try to have him in your life.