I'm sorry you are feeling desperate and at dead ends. I read your post through till the end. It's hard when there are physical problems --health conditions--as you put it, that are also draining on a person. If I got the gist of your story, you sometimes feel like you might just not want to be here anymore. You've probably been told a million times that THAT isn't the answer. And I truly believe it isn't. I've attempted a few times and always lived through it and now I feel like there was a reason for that. You said something about it being draining on your son. Do you get any pleasure out of the interaction? What about with your grands? Yeah living with mental illness is draining and it can be draining on other people but it doesn't mean that they don't love you or appreciate you or want you around. I know. Both as a person with mental illness and as a daughter of a person with mental illness. You said you have some friends from a support group. Can you still be in touch with them? Friendship do a lot to bolster us when we are falling. Anyway, you were heard. I hear you. And I empathize with you. HUGS Kit