I am so sorry for the many losses you have experienced.
5 years ago I had a complete breakdown because within the space of a few years I lost my parents, a pregnancy in its 4th month, all aunts (1 aunt to suicide) and uncles, a cousin, a couple of friends, and a number of beloved pets. A couple of years after that my precious sister died, and another cousin.
I began to feel that death and grief were hanging all over me, like spider webs and chains. The feeling was awful. I began to believe that anyone who was close to me was destined to die soon.
Being in therapy has helped me to cope with all the grief and PTSD, as has reconnecting with my spiritual self.
Still, the pain is there...I am learning, slowly, to accept it as a part of who I am, and try my best to use the grief to strength my spirituality.
btw, I live not too far from you. Does visiting the ocean give you any peace from your pain?