I can’t keep up here. So much has happened.

In short, we found a house, put an offer, got the offer accepted. Now we’re going through the flurry of purchasing as new home as first time home buyers and my head is spinning with all the mortgage requirements, attorney review, inspections, and everything else. I had to scramble to find a lawyer as we had the offer accepted before I had even looked for one. Thank god my brother and SIL bought a house not too long ago, I was able to contact their lawyer and get him to take our case. Attorney review concludes Monday as long as the sellers agree to our lawyer’s corrections to the original contract. Then there’s still so much to do. I’ve uploaded all documents necessary but the underwriter still has to approve. I can’t be happy at all because I’m still convinced they’re going to reject the loan based on many factors that I’m nervous about. The fact that I’ve switched jobs numerous times in the last two years, and that for November and December I had to transfer a lot of money from savings into my checking to cover Christmas gift/food purchasing costs. And who knows, maybe the inspection will find something terrible. But my main fear is my finances. That’s why RS and I had to go in together, I have good credit but don’t make a lot, and he has average credit but makes twice as much. And he has job stability whereas I don’t.

I just think too much.

I had some terrible self harm dreams the other night, the night of the absolute insanity on Wednesday. I’m sure that’s what triggered them. I am not even going to go into my thoughts, I’m sure they are shared by most of us here. I just think it overwhelmed me into dreaming about taking myself out. The dreams more in depth and violent against myself than they usually are.

And of course my birth control has been out of schedule since mid November so I’ve been suffering emotional volatility. I hate myself right now because I’ve been way overeating like I usually do during PMS but instead of doing it for just a few days it’s been weeks. I’ve only gained two pounds but I worked SO HARD to lose 25 I’m convinced that I’ll never get back under control to continue losing. I’d like to at least get out of the obese range and I’m still 30lbs away from that.

And I keep getting hit by waves of depression. I’m supposed to do so much today, our bedroom is in a horrible state with clothes strewn everywhere. Packages too. I hope I can do it later. I have to take my son to see his bio grandfather, which is always a terrible time. He likes to wax on about how he is dying from some condition or another. He’s been dying (according to him) since I met him 14 years ago. He likes to talk about how sick he is and how much time he’s spent in the hospital. It’s annoying and definitely not something he should be talking about in front of my son. Well, today it’s only so he can give my son his Christmas presents. So we’re just going to pop in and then I’m going to gtfo with some sort of excuse. Basically gonna claim we have a lot to do for our mortgage process. And I’m not going to make any promises about seeing him again any time soon.

Ugh I hope after this week my hormones even out to where they are supposed to be monthly. I hate being so depressed.