Never for a moment did I stop believing in you. I want to say I'm sorry for telling people that I didn't believe in you anymore. I even tried to convince those of my mental health team, family, friends and members on here that I had lost my faith, that I no longer believed, that I had lost my way. I really didn't, but when I started to have rage attacks seemingly out of the blue, and started fighting with family members and cursing at them and screaming and yelling, I was too ashamed to say that I belonged to you any longer. I felt that my behavior would reflect badly on you, that people would say that if I was what someone who loved you looked like, that they would want no part of you. I got to be afraid that if they knew how much I love you, how you were everything to me...my Life, my Love, my Light, that they would use it against me, knowing that to hurt you is the surest and fastest way to break my heart and cause me pain. Like a mother would feel if someone spoke unkindly or meanly about her beloved child that she held close to her heart, I held you close to my heart...I don't know what to say, I'm still afraid to publicly tell people that I never stopped loving you, especially since I don't have what it takes anymore, for several reasons, I'm not able to express my love for you in a gathering of others who love you too. I don't know how to get myself out of this web of deceit that I've created to protect myself, and supposedly to protect you, but you didn't need or ask for protecting, light is still beautiful light even if it's shining on a dumpster. You only wanted my heart, and that you have...I believe that everything I'm ashamed of that I've done and still do will be swallowed up in the furnace of your love for me. I thank you, I love you, I am yours...