On a few of the days after I've been drinking, I've missed him and experience abuse amnesia. I don't know what it is about alcohol or beer that does this to me the day after I've had a few drinks. It's very weird.

This happened to me last night as I went to bed. I was missing his presence in bed with me - then I woke up this morning and was so glad that I didn't have to deal with him holding me down and keeping me in bed longer than I want. It was always "just ten more minutes". "just five more minutes", as he would clutch me holding me down and back. I would lie there for HIS sake but I would be awake, wanting to get up to make my coffee.

It's SO nice to be able to get up when and if I wish to.

And on the days when I do experience abuse amnesia, I go to one of my abuse groups on Facebook and start reading the stories to be reminded. And I read my "sobriety list" of all abusive incidents I have experienced with him. This breaks the cognitive dissonance quite well and brings me right back to the cold harsh reality of his abuse.

And then I think of all his weak and lame excuses for his infidelity: "I wasn't myself", "you have NO idea what calling the police did to me", "I've never done something like that before in my whole life", "it was out of character".

SO weak and SO lame, not to mention ALL LIES.

I refuse to take the blame for it because I called the police! PLEASE. I called them because I was SCARED of him, But we continue to argue these points periodically. I duck out of the argument, telling him, "it's over. There's no point arguing these points anymore". And I try to exit the argument and conversation with, "Just STOP", and he does.

I am getting better at engaging less and less with him in these arguments. I give him one sentence replies, while he gives me paragraphs of his argument. And then I tell him "stop".

So, I am improving and progressing, which is good to see. I still fall down and I am still abusing alcohol, but less and less these days. When I drink too much, it really doesn't feel good the next day and I go through the abuse amnesia along with anxiety, so I am going to try and curb the amount of alcohol now.