I cannot let go of the concept of relationship because after ruminating for so long and so deeply on subjects that people shy away from, I realize that we are defined not by our own words and actions but by the interaction with others, with how we are perceived. I want nothing from anyone but to be seen, in toto, and still have something found worthy of saving.

I've been watching Lost recently, and I just watched those episodes with Desmond telling Charlie he's gonna die. He explains that fate can be delayed, but never changed. He keeps saving Charlie's life from probabilities that he "remembers" because the detonation of the hatch allowed him to perceive time in a non-linear fashion (enter the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis). I say this because I get the feeling that I am Charlie. The Pattern has revealed things to me I should not know, and because I know them, everything is perceived as surreal. My fate is not a good one, and my attempts at relationships, making money, finding friends, et cetera, are all "Desmonds" I am trying out to change a fate I am locked to as surely as Sisyphus was chained to his stone wheel. I am trying to leave Wisconsin to Texas or somewhere where there is a lot of nothing (and I'm not at ground-zero for a nuclear strike: Kenosha is smack between Chicago and Milwaukee so if it isn't nuclear fire, it's fallout) because I have zero faith in my government, and in my fellow citizens, and yet, the Pattern attempts to lure me in. My boss just offered to give me 10% of the company when he retires because we had an argument in which I told him I have no future or hope of one because of past circumstances, and now, him doing that just makes me more aware that there exists some unforeseen doom hanging over me like the proverbial sword of Damocles.

I am just so tired of walking around always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it always does. Probably developing acute paranoid schizophrenia at this point with as much as I obsess over my fears. Worse, the knowledge that there is something I've missed exists because that is the nature of mental illness, and I cannot afford to miss anything; this, in turn, leads to more rumination and obsession over all possibilities and angles of any given decision I am required to make, or any even that has happened or that I fear will happen. I am the type who obsesses over what people say to me, and then turn around and try to piece together why they chose the words they did to say what they said, even when trivial. This in turn allows me to make leaps of logic that I should not be able to, to gain glimpses of their personalities most others do not see, but nonetheless prove themselves valid to me during the course of the relationship. I am very good at "reading" people emotionally because of this and this only increases isolation further as I make inevitable comparisons between myself and others, with the conclusion being that I am not where I should be in life even though I have no idea what my life is supposed to look like beyond a few vague ideas and detestations about myself; I just know that this is not it. Like, everything is "off" a bit, but not in obvious ways.

I have my own demons to fight, and man, they have been kicking my ***, but I'm still here, trying and getting nowhere. Sure, at least I'm still trying, but that doesn't make me any less of a terrible person. Oh, you're trying? So what? You're only doing as expected, nothing extraordinary, and that means that I am just a terrible person. I feel constantly like I deserve nothing from anyone because of the demons that walk with me, no matter how hard I try to push them off a cliff. And every time someone gives me something, I feel undeserving. I hate not being able to be self-sufficient, and I have no possibilities of achieving self-sufficiency because I am stuck here from obligations owed to others and my own sense of duty.

I am tired. I want to rest, and there's nowhere for me to do so. This rolling stone isn't just not gathering moss, it is crumbling completely.