Hello All,

Not sure where to even begin…so I will just launch right into it. This is a long post, so I appreciate people reading it and giving me their views.

My wife has just told me she wants to separate, and is “leaving” - with little hope of reconciliation. I am totally devastated by this news, and really need help.

Here is the background to our story: we started dating in the mid-2000s and 2 years into our relationship, she was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease (we were told she needs a transplant). I immediately vowed to remain by her side (she told me to “leave her”, because it would be difficult for her to do “normal” things, like bear children and so on, but I was committed to her). To make matters even more difficult, she experienced a severe side effect to her kidney medications, which meant she also needed both her hips replaced (we discovered this shortly after her kidney disease diagnosis). A side effect of chronic kidney disease is a significant decrease in libido - so our physical relationship became non-existent (and I basically “suppressed” my desire / libido, so she would not feel awkward about her lack of “desire”, and also becauses her hips would cause her pain when we tried to be intimate).

I should note that we were in a long-distance relationship at the time (I was in the US, she was overseas), and it took some time to sponsor her to come over and marry me. So - after 6 years of dating long-distance, I was able to move her to the US (since the healthcare here is thankfully better than her home country). So we got married and started living together in early 2012. It was a huge relief to have her with me, but we would often bicker about (what I think) are insignificant things. For example, she is very particular about how things should be done in the kitchen, while I am much more easy-going about such things. I should also note she wasn’t working at the time - given her severe health issues - so the “home” was the only area where she could be the “boss”. I handled everything else: earning money, paying bills and so on.

A couple of years after we got married, it was time for her transplant - and I donated a kidney to her. Thankfully the surgery went well, and she has done OK since then. She also had both her hips replaced ~1 year later, so she has had her new kidney and hips for ~5-6 years now (ie, she has been “normal” since late 2015). Our relationship was moving along nicely (or so I thought), and we settled into post-transplant married life. We went on several really memorable vacations and were really enjoying her newfound good health.

Now - back to my “suppressing” of desire. After her surgeries, her libido started to come back - but mine didn’t. I had basically “convinced” myself that physical relationships of any kind might “hurt” her - so I would avoid intimacy with her. This was compounded by my own decreasing libido (maybe because I am in my 40s? My father had the same issues, and I am getting my testosterone checked). To make things even scarier, she started suffering from repeat Urinary Tract Infections a couple of years after her transplant - which made me even more paranoid about engaging in sexual activity with her (the Doctors told us that sex can cause UTIs). These UTIs would put her in the hospital for up to a week, and she had 4-5 of them - very scary when these happen, as a UTI can really hurt a kidney transplant patient. So of course, I suppressed my desire even more - despite her libido really kicking in. One more note: I also needed 2 hip surgeries (after her hip surgery in 2015) - so it was tough for me to be intimate, which I think also played into my “suppressed” libido.

I should also note that I have a really bad temper, and can be very aggressive when I argue. So - over the years we would settle into a pattern that occurred every few months: she would “nag” me / point out something I did wrong (usually in the kitchen), I would let my anger build up and eventually I would yell and say very nasty things (the worst was calling her a “burden on me” - something I have done several times over the past few years). For example, I would say things like “after everything I have done, can’t you just get over this insignificant kitchen stuff? You’re a burden on me!” I don’t really believe she is one, but given she has no career (thanks to her previous health issues and repeated UTIs) and depends on me for money - and received my kidney - I can see how this phrase would really hurt her. She feels she missed out on a career (despite having a good university degree) and feels that she “missed out” on important life milestones, so I really should not have repeatedly used this phrase. I am ashamed because I learned this “attack” phrase by watching my own dysfunctional parents, who would yell such abuse at each other.

Anyway - back to my wife: her main issues have been i) i don’t “listen” (ie, I downplay the importance of things she feels are important, like kitchen protocols), ii) I am verbally aggressive / abusive (ie, calling her a “burden” and yelling when I am angry) and iii) the lack of intimacy in our marriage (stemming from my fear of “hurting” her / fear of her developing an infection).

She has been telling me for years to i) see a therapist about my anger and ii) to have the confidence to be intimate / overcome the fear of “hurting” her. In her mind, it is better to be intimate and “live” - even with the risk of a potentially deadly infection - than continue living in a marriage with no intimacy. And I have been ignoring / downplaying her wishes for all these years.

Now she tells me that she is fed up with “begging” me for intimacy, and cannot tolerate my verbal aggression anymore. The ongoing COVID crisis has really affected her as well, since she is in a high-risk category (as a transplant patient) and I have basically prevented her from leaving our apartment at all. Thankfully she didn’t go through with her plans (July / August). She did tell a couple of close friends about her issues, and they have advised her to “do what makes you happy.” It turns out that “happiness” for her is to have a sense of purpose, a career and the chance to “build herself back up again.” So she is studying to be a life coach (she is actually very easy to talk to, and I think she will be a great coach). She wants to move out into her own apartment, and have the option of dating other men (and I can see other women), so we can both find people to “make us happy again.” I am totally against this, as she is the one who makes me happy! I cannot imagine going through with this process, and the thought of her with anyone else crushes me. I wonder whether she is having a “mid-life crisis”, or if there are hormonal changes (she is almost 40) that might be impacting her behavior, but I am not an expert of course.

I have begged her to reconsider and give me “another chance” - so I have signed up for therapy (to address my rage issues) and I’m working with my physician to address my reduced libido as well. She says “you are only doing this because I am now threatening to leave.” I guess there is a lot of truth to this: I was so stuck in my own world (I have a very time consuming job) and so stubborn about wanting to “control” everything (ie, preventing her from leaving the apartment in a pandemic and so on) that I pushed her away. I am so sad that we “beat the odds”: we dated long-distance for almost 7 years, went through a kidney transplant and other major surgery together and so on - but my own stubbornness has killed our relationship. It is tragic that something I did to “protect” her (ie, avoiding intimacy) might in fact push her away.

She says she has felt a huge amount of “guilt” for years, because she has my kidney. She has felt so obligated, that she hasn’t been able to express this “desire to leave” for years - but is now brave enough to do so (thanks to the advice of her friends). I don’t know whether there is any hope of convincing her to stay. I told her “I am taking therapy to save our marriage - you should take therapy as well…let’s do couples therapy.” She agreed to therapy, but says “I am going to take therapy for MYSELF - to improve my own well-being…you should do the same…and if we are meant to be together after we both take therapy, then it’s great…otherwise we will both be improved for new partners.” I was really hurt that she wouldn’t even consider taking couples therapy, given what we have been through together, but I guess I can’t blame her, given how nasty I have been during arguments (note I have never been - or will be - physically abusive).

Anyway, I have written a lot here, and I thank anyone that had the patience to read my whole post. I am not sure what to do…I would give anything to win her back, but I don’t know if that is possible. I appreciate any insights you can share with me…