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Have Hope
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Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 08:46 AM
 
I continue to embarrass myself.

I am chasing a friendship with a new-ish girlfriend who is 20 years older than me. I initiate all contact, yet she tells me nearly each time we speak that she loves me, etc, so it's confusing to me.

She knows I am going through a very difficult divorce process with an abusive husband. She, too, was married for 22 years to an abuser, whom she divorced.

We've had several long conversations about my husband over the last year. She helped me through some difficult decisions I had to make. We went to the beach last summer once, just the two of us, and I thought we had had a good time. We were at the beach for about 5 hours together and had some soulful conversations. I thought we had connected.

But she never initiates contact with me, she never checks in to see how I am doing, and I feel very blown off. I last called her and left a message. She hasn't returned my call. I figured she can relate to what I am going through, but she doesn't seem to care too much.

She is someone I aspire to - she is someone I look up to - she's a real fire cracker and an amazing woman whom I'd like to get closer with, but it's just not being reciprocated, and I now feel ashamed and embarrassed that I have been chasing a friendship which is evidently one sided.

I will back off and I won't continue reaching out to her, but it hurts. I really had hoped to establish more of a friendship with her.

Perhaps she is more of a fair weather friend and more of an acquaintance. Perhaps she is just someone not meant for me to get close to. You really do learn who your true friends are when you go through a painful and difficult time.

It makes me feel sad, embarrassed and pathetic. I didn't make much of an effort during my marriage to establish new friendships within this group of people I am associated with, and now that I am divorcing, I want to and it's proving to be difficult especially during a pandemic.

I really feel pathetic.

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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

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