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coolibrarian
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coolibrarian Coolibrarian is feeling anxious.
 
Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: Upstate NY
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 11:52 AM
 
I am in the USA.

I feel like I'm falling apart. I managed to snag an emergency appointment with T; usually I see her every 2 weeks, and this week is my "off" week, but since I feel so miserable, I texted her and asked if she could fit me in. I got a session at noon on Friday.

I have worked at my job since 1985. A lot of things have changed during that time: who my supervisor has been, which department I've worked in, computer systems have migrated to newer versions or entirely new systems. Now we have the Pandemic. I've been working from home since March 2020.
My sister-in-law died from Covid in November 2020.

Currently I am working on a project which just gets worse and worse. I see my supervisor tomorrow for my annual evaluation and discussion of my work program for the next year (Jan.2021-Dec.2021). My evaluation is less glowing than I expected it to be, so that got me thinking about retirement again. But I'm only 61.

All the rules about when you can apply for retirement, medicare, SSDI, SSI, etc., have my head spinning, which is not helping my anxiety or my depression or my PTSD. What I want to do is run away. OR take ativan and climb under the covers. But I'm afraid if I do this, it will be ALL I do. I'm ruminating intensely. My supervisor doesn't answer email questions in a timely manner, and I don't want to go over her head for two reasons: 1, I still have to work with her and 2, I don't like or respect HER supervisor. Since she doesn't answer me, I either need to figure stuff out on my own (that comes with its own complications), or just wait until she gets back to me.

My new work program for 2021 has more tasks in it than it did the last several years (and this is also a semi-new supervisor for me). I know the financial problems we are facing and I know they are moving people around to other jobs, due to retirements and resignations. That doesn't make me feel any better.

I feel like I could burst out crying any minute. I'm shaking like a leaf. I feel "less than," and this is in complete contrast to my educational levels; I have 3 Master's degrees. I feel like I'm glued to my chair. Maybe I should take the afternoon off. I could either take meds and retreat to my bed, or maybe I could get something done for myself, something that matters to me, like working on my overly-cluttered home. I have all these choices, but I can't decide on any of them. I realize that I am now rambling. I haven't self-harmed in well over a year, but that idea is floating around in my mind, too.

I tried to talk to my wife about this; she offered to take a part time job in addition to her full time job. I don't want her to do that and told her so. But I also told her I didn't know WHAT I want to do. Everything is so difficult. I started to cry as I spoke to her. I didn't want to cry, so I stopped speaking.

Help me get through this, please. I've never gone inpatient but I feel that that might be an option for me, although it just feels like running away. I'm wondering whether I should call Pdoc. I don't WANT to go inpatient, because I'm afraid my wife won't be able to visit me. Would Pdoc increase my meds? If he did, I might have to just lie in my bed, anyway. whattodo what to do what to do?

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