Looking back, when I first went on medications in 2011, what pushed me over the edge was very challenging life experiences (my bad decisions, coping skills, on and off unemployment for both my H and I, family dysfunction, etc.)--I was prescribed welbutrin (bupropion) and xanax (alprolazam) which immediately made me feel better but the bupropion (300 mg) also made me worse in many ways (no sleep--I worked harder but never relaxed, back then I would sometimes drink one or two glasses of wine at dinner--I started drinking more on the bupropion because it amplified the alcohol high for me). It wasn't until 2018, when I was finally able to get VA healthcare benefits after being denied for years that my psychiatrist adjusted my meds so that they were helping more than hurting. I also began therapy in 2015, after an sui attempt. For me, the therapy was as important for my recovery as my medications are. I rarely drink alcohol now (I would estimate that I have had less than 8 glasses of wine since 2015--at Christmas and Thanksgiving gatherings), am making better choices, and have learned that happiness comes from within--not from others or my circumstances because people are imperfect and looking back too much is very unhelpful, especially when you focus on the trauma and the drama. I had to learn to not feel responsible when others make bad choices--if I warned, helped and encouraged them then I have nothing to feel guilty of. When I made a mistake, I had to learn to forgive myself and move on. Another key to my recovery was focusing on God and being grateful for all that I have had and have--He helped transform me and not worry so much about the future though this journey is ongoing and I hope to improve and achieve for through Him.