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LostOnTheTrail
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Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: England
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 07:43 AM
 
I began today’s session with high expectations of myself.
‘I don’t want to waste a word, and I don’t want to get emotional.’ R was intrigued by my not wanting to waste a word.
‘What does that mean?’
‘Everything I say in this space has to have value.’ I explained that since words are all we have at the moment, it has become more important than ever that I explain myself well.
When R asked how I was doing, all I could muster was ‘Nervous stomach, and nervous everything else.’

‘Nervous as in anticipating something in particular, or just the sensation?’
‘Ten years ago tomorrow, something happened.’ R said it sounded as though I was still trying to make sense of it.
‘I’m still stuck on ‘I don’t want to waste a word.’

‘Meanwhile, I am thinking about previous occasions where you have commented that it is difficult for you to understand what I am going through.’
‘When you are crying?’
‘When I [here I stopped myself using the phrase ‘time travel’] go somewhere else.’

‘When you are in that space. We overcame that somewhat when I sat on the floor.’ At that point, I dissolved.
R urged me to let it out – ‘It wants to come out, and it needs to come out. Close your eyes and imagine I’m there with you, holding your hands. I’m here with you in this space.’
R urged me to use my affirmation when I felt ready.
We spoke at length about the juxtaposition between the two experiences.
‘I feel as though I am bracing for a death anniversary, even though cognitively, I know this isn’t that.’
‘You feel as though you are bracing for a death anniversary.’ We spoke at length about the differences between this experience and Chris’ passing.
‘With this experience, there was no sense of relief…it just snowballed.’ I mentioned that the forum going offline in December 2013 was another layer of loss.
‘Grieving for Chris was a communal experience, but with this I was on my own.’
A lot of what I attempted to say today felt like gibberish. AT one point R asked whether I wanted her to talk. She later explained that she could see what I was fighting against, and wanted to give me the space.
‘I don’t want to say I’m glad you cried, but it was almost the best thing you could do.’ She urged me to be kind to myself over the next few days, and then said she wouldn’t let me go without doing some breathing.

She asked how my shoulders were, and I remarked that when I cried I felt them resume their proper position.

‘There’s scientific evidence that we hold a lot of tension in the neck and shoulders. I’ve been asked whether I lift weights before. Emotional tension is held there.’
We focused on settling my shoulders, and then did some cleansing breaths.

__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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