It’s understandable. Childhood traumas linger and it’s expected that man like him would trigger anxiety and other responses. I am sorry you are hurting. Is there any way for you stop with this man? Panic and anxiety attacks are hard to handle and I feel you could try to avoid those by keeping away from him? I know it’s pandemics but could you try to make new friends when things get better with current situation. You aren’t alone in this struggle. We all attracted wrong people into our lives. No judgement here.

But with this guy it doesn’t sound like there is anything good or uplifting or even fun. You deserve more

Dearest Gymgirl, this has been an ongoing and long-term issue for you with this man. Are you in therapy? If not, I suggest seeing and talking with a therapist about why you continue to put yourself in a harmful and hurtful position with this man. You're getting nothing but misery and he's using you. Why do you do this to yourself? And trust me, I am not pointing fingers. I married someone who is abusive and now I am divorcing him. But I will not tolerate disrespect and abuse. And you my dear, are tolerating disrespect and disregard. You need to get to the bottom of this with a therapist who can help you to see your value and worth and who can help steer you to healthier relationships, including friendships.