i have never had a good positive self image. my childhood was full of neg. because my mother loves misery and wants everyone around her just as miserable. it affected my relationships with men, i would fall for anyone who would give me the time of day, they paid attention to me so they must like me. after they got what they wanted, of course, they would move on because i was too complex for them. i was high maintaince. i was crazy, messed in the head, i had problems.

this led to an even deeper depression and horrid self image. i was easier to use than a doormat. then i stopped trusting men, took what i wanted, and left before i was hurt yet again. i was using like i had been used, which left me so empty. i can't even begin to explain how hollow and depressed i had become.

i was a loser, not even worth the bullet that would end my misery. such a horrid person i was. then i got pregnant by a man i didn't even care for and my self image became irrevelant.

i gave birth to twin girls 7 mos. later and could not believe they were healthy because i cried every day for that 7 mos. because i was now bringing two little ones into this misery i had of a life.

i still don't see myself as a good person, i am just a single mother, twice married and just recently separated from the second marriage who is fed up with men, and am just getting through the day so i can get through another.

when i look in the mirror the only good i see in myself is the two kids in the background. they are good kids so i must be doing something right at least with them. until some study comes out that says kids are born good or bad and parenting has nothing to do with it
( jk ).

i don't see myself as anything but a single parent trying to raise my kids the best i can. other than that i see myself as a loser when it comes to men and life. i live in a trailer, have a job that don't pay jack, struggling to make ends meet, and believe there is not a man walking this planet that i can love as i do my kids, and that could love me the same.

sorry for the long post, i just got carried away.
some may say that i have alot to be thankful for, and don't get me wrong, i do. my kids are my life and they are what is important. i just hope i do a good enough job hiding my depression, my neg. self image from them. i often worry if i will screw up their life as much as i have screwed up mine. oh, i hope not.

take care all
grace