My emotions are all over the place. I am at my wits end, all around. The tragic news of my ex fiance hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. Amidst my sheer grief, I was fighting with my husband who was being a d-i-c-k. Then he turned nice and wanted to comfort me.
I cannot take anything anymore - this is far too much for me to handle at once.
Everything for me feels upside down. I am trying to remain right side up, but I feel upside down myself. I need grounding. The news shattered me yesterday. It's very close to home because I have felt just like he did at different points in my life, but I didn't act on it.
I continue to talk to my husband when I know I need far greater distance. He continues to try and convince me to stay with him. This week, I hope to do better with communicating less. It's my goal at least - and my husband has requested we stick to just divorce details, yet he keeps violating his own wishes by continuing to text me about us. And I respond.
This is a mad pattern I must exit from. I know this.
I still feel quite devastated over the news. I spoke with my ex fiance's grandmother yesterday who is shattered and still in shock. She found him. We messaged for a little while yesterday. I hadn't spoken to her in four years. I feel so badly for his grandparents. They are good people who truly cared for him like a son.
Death always has a profound influence on me and makes me deeply reflect on life. Life is SO very precious and short.
If I gained one thing from this tragic experience, it's a good reminder to me about being happy in life. I refuse to be in unhappy situations or circumstances and always have.
And there is always a way out, other than suicide. It's SO sad to me that he felt he had no option BUT. I fell in love with his potential and all that I saw in him that I thought was good, positive and amazing. I always thought he had great potential, yet he just couldn't get himself off the ground - and apparently never did, which saddens me immensely. In the beginning, I only saw the good in him and I believed in him. When we broke up, he said to me thank you for believing in me when I couldn't.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"
~4 Non Blondes
Last edited by Have Hope; Jan 17, 2021 at 09:00 AM.
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