my mom ... humph ... real piece of work.. mean alcoholic, very bitter. she made no bones about letting me know she dispised me.. loathed me and wanted nothing to do with me from the start. told me once all the nitty gritty details about how she had tried to do a "self abortion" to get rid of me before she had me.
i have quite a few vivid childhood memories which i will spare you all but this one heres a pretty good example ..
this one ive got pegged down puts me somewhere around 7 yrs old ....coloring book and box of crayons in my hand i went to "mommy" and asked her to color with me .. she grabbed the crayons and color book out of my hands.. dumped the entire box of crayons out on the table slammed the book open to a random page grabbed a crayon (it was yellow btw) just scribbled gibberish on the page picked the book up flung it at me and said "there, is that good enough for you.. i colored".. she got up.. began to storm out. stopped turned around screamed at me to pick up my gd mess, get back in your room where you belong and leave me the h#!+ alone.
the reason i brought that up here is to offer my take on the question of children and parents and how they end up either opposites or identical..
i knew very very very early on i was never going to have children of my own. i knew that i had no business being a mom whos responsible to raising a child. i did not have a good role model & as much as id like to make my self believe iwould not be my mom i knew i could not trust my own self enough to take the risk of the chance that i would not be the mom my mom was to me. i am not equipped to wing it on my own and it would not be fair at all to try and raise a kid when i had no idea how the heck i was doing & no clue how i was supose to figure out what to do.
as time has gone by & ive gotten to know more about how my own nature was turning out ive run the thought thru about maybe i could give it a go after all, but, to this day where i am now well past my childbearing age ... i still do not trust myself enough to feel it be safe for me to be a mom.
the person as a person i am .. i do have my "mom moments" where i turn right into her. a couple of times on a few occasions people who knew my mom have witnessed it and even they mentioned seeing the "mom mimic" right then. i am very aware of it in me and i have put a ton of effort into stopping myself the instant i see myself becoming her. snippy sarcasm, bits of bitter, snooty selfrichious.. the bad stuff is the only her i have in me . there was no good traits for me to carry so.. ..all my good, is all me!
although im not sure opposite is the word i use to describe our differences but... ive always made it my # 1 point too priority .. to NOT be the type of person my mom was. its not a matter of i counter her greed with my generosity type of thing but i found her to be a rather offensive person ... and that is NOT how i want people to feel about me.
its not about do exact opposite of her its more like do it any way EXCEPT her way.