Thank you, Divine. That's really helpful to have another phrase (complicated grief) to help me understand

I'm sorry your stepkids are going through it Poor things. Yes, relief, of course How lucky they are to have a wise, caring person like you

I felt that I'd somewhat moved onto 'forgiveness' with my own dad.

When I was in my early 30's, I had a vivid dream in which he and I were trying to stay afloat in a cold, dark sea (sorry if this triggers anyone). He was going down, and I was trying to hold him up. His face was right in front of mine. And (in the dream), I realised that I would have done anything (even give my own life) to save him

That was a cathartic moment, for me. I'd been furiously angry with the man for a long time. But the dream allowed me to settle in my own mind the real truth of the matter; I did not want to kill him. I loved him. And, as I said - I chose to at least try and move towards forgiveness.

So, it's come as a surprise to find myself missing him so much. Birthdays can do that, can't they? It's as though you've bumped into that person on the street, and can suddenly see and feel them again, and you worry that you haven't bought them a birthday card, or called them for ages, and that they might not have enough money to get by