So Sorry to hear that you're struggling. A notebook or some sort of online page or anything like that or other similar means of writing may prove useful. i'd also suggest to try finding as many distraction as you possibly can if these thougths are bothering you. Please do consider contacting your doctors if things don't seem to go Well. We are here for you. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @wolftrap, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!