I am very sorry that you grew up with such a negative presence like that. It sounds like your mother was extremely unhappy with herself and sought to escape through alcohol where she was such an angry drunk. It's especially hard for any child that has to be exposed to such a scary mean presence like that. When someone behaves that way it's important to understand through your adult mind that she was not attacking you personally, that you did nothing wrong either but more that she resented herself.

Alcoholism is such a hard thing to be around because often the alcoholic blames everyone else for their unhappiness. The person gets used to lying and creating their own narrative, all the while also living in denial that they are IN this disease actively. Ugh, and they constantly have excuses of I can stop anytime, it will work out, I just need it right now while I (whatever the excuse). It's their effort to escape from themselves and their insecurities which is why there are so many narcissistic behaviors in alcoholics.