Hi everyone. It's been a while since the last time I posted anything in that forum.
I hope everyone had a good Christmas eve and I hope a good, or at least better, year to everyone.

Since last time, my psychological situation has improved slightly. I do a bit more stuff than I used to. Of course, considering that I had a tendency to do literally nothing but reading fanfiction/manga/playing (or other sorts of internet escapism) for 95% of my time, that's not saying much.

Maybe it has decreased to 92% since October...

I always thought this situation was due to my depression. But I wonder if it's not just plain apathy as this apathy is feeding my self-loathing and it is not my self-loathing that is stopping me from doing anything.

I am not sure if I'm being clear. I guess a part of me just wanted to talk about it and/or rant a bit.

Anyway, my main problem is still my apathy. I have a hard time respecting my self-imposed objectives or even doing the strict minimum. In fact, I fail nearly daily at this.

It's one of those times where you know what you should do but you're so unmotivated by everything, and lacking any passion, that even living/surviving actions are hard to do.
The problem is that it has lasted a decade.

Most days, I am happy to just be in front of a computer and do nothing, even cooking microwave dishes is an almost insurmountable task that I have to force myself into.
And this situation is just feeding my self-loathing because I know that I am not happy and it's just me refusing to go out of my comfort zone.

I have to change, I did very slightly change, and I know how to do it. But I just don't do it.
I don't really know why, but I don't do it. The simplest change in my routine feels exhausting and I don't incorporate that change in my routine afterward.

And at the end of the day, I feel bad. Which pushed me into writing that rant. It kinda went a bit longer than I thought.

I don't really expect any miracle solution, because I know that I am the problem there. But it's one of those times where just writing your feeling on a forum makes me feel a bit better .