That is why it is said that narcissists tend to have a trail of hurt discards or situations where they could not get the position they felt they were entitled to have. In their mind they refuse to be "the loser" and they will fantasize many situations where they are the winner.

Most narcissists that I have come across tend to really struggle if they don't have some kind of audience to get their feed from. They seem to need to think that whatever environment they are in is "theirs" and would not be of value without THEM. Ususally, there is a need to stand out to make up for how they failed to stand out in some positive way in their childhood. That is what I find sad.

(((MisterPaul))) I am so sorry because you won't hurt that guy that is overweight or whatever else others picked on about you, instead, you will look to prove you can be better than the ones that picked on you.

I got to know another person that admitted he had malignant npd. He shared with me what it was like for him and he was also writing a novel. He described his novel to me and how it reflected who he was too. At the end of his novel the surpise was how the one who ended up having so much power was in fact a child. I felt honored that he shared all that with me and what I felt the saddest about was how there was nothing I could do to help heal him and even he knew that about himself. He had developed masks he could wear where he could fool all different kinds of people. Like you, he never cared, instead it was just something he figured out how to do to get HIS needs met.

I am coming from a very different place than you. I witnessed the cruelty towards someone that was hurt like you. I saw this every day and every day it traumatized me. What I witnessed was children hurting someone and they did not care how much they were hurting him either. The child in me hurt because I wanted to stop it but I was too little and powerless to stop it because I did not know HOW. I could not believe that no one would try to stop it, not even the bus driver. It was a while before I was able to understand that the other children joined in or just watched because they did not want to be a target themselves.

I thought somehow people just grew out of that kind of behavior, but the truth is THEY DON'T. I am no different in that I never stopped wanting to find a way to help that child I saw picked on over and over again. You know what I observed MisterPaul? Some children develop on the chubby side growing up and some of these children actually grow up into handsome men, good men, kind hearted men. Often the boys that seem to "have it" when young don't when they become men. Often like the story about the ugly ducking, the so called ugly ducking actually does turn into a swan. What I find sad is when the swan happens but inside that swan holds onto the ugly ducking.

I spent a lot of time with young children and what made me feel good was when I helped that child walk away from me feeling good about themselves. I did not realize how I wanted something for each child that had not only been missing in myself, but for that child I watched hurt over and over again that I was too little to know how to help. The win for me was seeing that child feel good about themselves and what they accomplished that day. You know that saying "we may not remember exactly what someone says, but we never forget how that person made us feel?". Well, when I come across a child I spent time with teaching, the win for me is how when they see me they light up just as they did when they walked away from me feeling good about themselves often so many years ago.

How do you win when you are on a journey to be better than what you feel are the ones that picked on you by seeing if you can contribute to their feeling small in some way? Most of the time when I begin to realize a person is like that I let them feel they won and then I just walk away. I already know there is nothing I can do that will be good enough or right enough or enough of anything at all. When I spent time with that one man who shared with me the only thing I could do is feel sad for him. And it basically all boiled down to that child that got hurt too just as he shared about in his novel with me, and the child finally had the desired power after all, at least in his novel.