Dear SlumberKitty,

I am so sorry that happened to you. How awful.

Letting go of anger is no easy thing and I am the last person on earth to give advice about it. I can share what has helped me personally in the full knowledge and realization that what helped me might not be helpful to you or others. Often what helps one person doesn't work for someone else or makes them feel worse.

I was in a somewhat similar situation to yours and the way I was finally able to overcome my anger was by trying to put things in perspective.

Someone did something dreadful to me. I was angry and brooded and brooded about it. It was anger that kind of festered in my mind and spoiled it in a way. So this is what I did.

This person who did a bad thing to me is more than that bad thing. He probably has many excellent qualities and virtues and has probably done nice and kind things in his life if I were to review it in total from the time he was a child. He has probably done a lot of good in the world at times. He may have shown kindnesses to friends, neighbors, family members, coworkers, strangers and so on. He probably has done at least a few really exceptional good things for others in his life although he harmed me.

If I look at this person in the wide perspective of good and evil behavior, I have to admit that he is not a genocidal dictator who has caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through genocide or campaigns of forced starvation. He hasn't sent tens of millions to perish in horrible ways in concentration camps or deprived millions of people of food in order to cause their destruction by starvation. He hasn't destroyed tens of millions of lives, or millions, or hundreds of thousands, or tens of thousands, or thousands or hundreds and so on.

This person who "did me wrong" is not a career criminal. He is not someone guilty of terrible crimes.

This person probably did not do me wrong whole heartedly. What I mean is that he did not will to do me harm with all his heart, soul, mind and strength. There may be some extenuating circumstances involved in his wrong doing towards me.

I myself am no saint and have certainly done people wrong in my lifetime. I would like to think that there are reasons for whatever wrongs I may have done other than just poor character on my part. I may have been under particular pressure or stress. I might have been very tired. I may have been not in my best frame of mind at the time. That is not to say that if I did wrong, that I am not responsible. I do bear some responsibility.
But hopefully there are extenuating circumstances and impediments that prevented me from willing what I did with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. I acted freely but perhaps not with 100% of the full force of my free will. There may have been malice involved but not malice in its entirety.
If I extend this courtesy to myself for my failures perhaps I can extend this courtesy to the one who wronged me. Sometimes in rare moments of humility I may admit that perhaps I am not quite as good as I think I am and perhaps this person who wronged me is not quite as bad as I think. I don't know of course.

Anger is an appropriate emotion in the face of injustice I think. But there are degrees of injustice. There is the injustice of those people like Hitler who caused so much misery, suffering and destruction in the world. The person who harmed me is far, far away from that kind of injustice. So I ask myself whether my anger is proportional and balanced. Well, since this person harmed me, it is of course more personal. But if am to keep a bit of perspective, do I want to be consumed by an anger that is disproportionate to the offence done to me.

If I were able to transmute my anger into mercy for this person, it would be good for me. It would take the huge consuming weight of my anger and rage and turn it into something beautiful. If the wrong were to make me more merciful it would perhaps turn a bad situation into something that I could call a virtue for me: mercy. I want to be a merciful person and perhaps this would be an opportunity for me to put something terrible and horrible behind me.
Instead of making me stay bitter, perhaps it could make be kinder. I don't know. There have been religious people and secular people who have been horribly injured, oppressed and persecuted and yet found a way to forgive.
Perhaps I cannot forgive all at once. But perhaps I can forgive a little. Perhaps I can will to forgive although I cannot forgive. Perhaps I cannot will to forgive this person, but perhaps I can wish to will to forgive. That is would be progress and a good thing for me.

These are things that have helped me in my situation. I suspect that the person who harmed me has done more good than evil in his life, perhaps taken all in all, he may have even done more good than I have. Who knows? So I will forgive. And if I can't forgive I will "will to forgive." And if I can't will to forgive, I will wish to will this forgiveness. And if after everything is said and done I still cannot even wish to will it, then I will wish to wish it. No matter what I will make progress towards mercy if only in baby steps.

Hopefully you will find something that helps you personally. I am not very knowledgeable, experienced or insightful but hopefully others here in similar situations will see your post and respond with something better than my poor words! Anger has a purpose and function, but at some point it becomes more harmful to the angry person than to anyone else. Life is too short for this, at least in my opinion. I have wasted too much of my life in anger.

I wish you good luck in your quest. You are clearly a good person with a good heart and you deserve a life where you can experience joy of living and peace of mind! So sorry I could not be helpful to you but I am not a professional and can only share what has helped me.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen