My self destructive behavior is a way of coping with cptsd, especially due to emasculation. I always had an effeminate face and small stature, which led me to be bullied, in addition to my trauma out of school. My family was never home because they had to work long hours. I always roamed outside, and some adults took advantage of that.

I had a rough life and always had cptsd because of trauma. During college, flashbacks started to come back to me everyday so I couldn't think properly. I had panic attacks thinking about my memories. I had to drop out of school and supported myself with a retail job.

I started to indulge in a crossdressing fetish. If it matters, I'm heterosexual.
I am not transgender or a typical crossdresser. I researched enough about the topic and talked to many of them, and we are completely different. I started crossdressing for empowerment., because I have trauma from being emasculated. I hated crossdressing though. I would feel terrible for hours, humiliated and angry from staring in the mirror. I also caused physical pain to myself in sexual ways. I tried to hurt myself as much as possible without causing permanent damage. Every time I would break down and cry. There would be a moment of euphoric high from this pain, lasting seconds to minutes. The high was so addicting that I did whatever I could to increase it. My mind always created ways for me to go through more pain, without permanently damaging my body.

Recently, sexual fantasies of me suffering led my life to change. I got caught stealing from my employers, got fired, have a huge settlement to pay, and it's difficult me to get a job now. I actually planned this deep inside, because I knew I could work as a trans escort. I've been involved in sex work for a about a year. I also work as a camgirl. While I fantasized about being an escort to get hurt more and degraded, ironically the men treated me well. Being an escort was much more pleasant than how I was treated in the past. I didn't find the mistreatment I was hoping for, unless I looked for it. But the fact that I went from a good college student to a self-destructive sex addict gave me the most intense euphoria ever when I looked in the mirror. I became more addicted to physical and psychological pain to increase the temporary euphoria.

The problem is I end up crying for hours everyday because I still hate seeing myself dressed as a woman. When I look at myself and I realize how bad my life has become. I have an urge to punish myself more. My sexual fantasies became even more dangerous. My ultimate fantasy was to become a completely mentally broken person. The type that always shivers from being scared. Because this feels so sexually satisfying to imagine myself like this, all of the decisions I make move me closer to this fate. I planned exactly how this will happen. I'm almost there.

I tried some therapists but they were no help. I know some parts of my post might feel like something's missing. I could have wrote pages more, but just wanted to give a short summary. If anything doesn't make sense, I'm willing to confirm the details. I'd appreciate any help!!!