I hate myself too. You are not alone! When life gets hard, I want to hide. Is hiding behind your drinking and other things helping? I had to come to that point of realization many times. This last time, I discovered the trauma of being shamed for innocent acts as a child left pain that I wasn't fully aware, that came out as depression, anxiety, self harm, and risky behavior. And if you don't know what's behind your behavior, it's no big deal. It took me years to figure it out.

I hope this helps some. Just know you are not alone!