Therapy went well today. I told her I was S last night and I was thinking a lot about the 27 club and how I only have a couple weeks left until I turn 28. She was kinda freaked out by the whole 27 club idea and she asked if she needed to call 911. I said no. Then asked if she would really do that. And she was like yeah I would. Then I told her about another therapist I had from the same clinic who I went through a lot of stuff with and she called 911 on me before. I told her that I’ve seen it and I know what it’s like to have the cops called on you. But we figured out a safety plan. She asked me if I was safe and I said “yeah I just need a Xanax and to eat something.” I don’t know if she’s that worried but she seemed to be. I mentioned taking cough syrup a couple weeks ago and how my mom wanted to call 911 but I told my mom I was fine. She was just like “next time call 911.” We talked about the hysterectomy and how my gynecologist won’t do it for ethical reasons and how it’s difficult for someone my age to get it done without medical issues. She asked about the therapist I found and I told her her name and she looked her up and said “yeah she’d be great for you.” We did talk about my secret and I told her how I think it’s just my response to stress because I can just get into my space at night and these things helps me deal with my negative thoughts. She said it’s not a big deal and since these things are calming then it’s good.” I told her I had a lot of stuff and I didn’t want to have to move a lot of things. she asked if I were in charge of moving my own things and I said “yeah”. She said if my mom were to find out my mom would probably think it wasn’t a big deal and she wouldn’t kick me out of the house or anything. I mentioned that I felt like I had dependent personality disorder because I get clingy with people and she was like the 13th person I’ve met who I felt and acted the same with. Then I moved on easily to the next person. She looked almost sad for some reason. Like I was telling her she was easily replaceable or something. I explained that emailing people is nothing new and that I’ve been doing it since 5th grade and that’s just how I communicate. She still had that sad look and said the emails were a safety issue. I wasn’t even talking about being able to email her again. I was talking more about being dependent on people. But yeah today went good. I told her about using the men’s room for the first time. She seemed impressed and asked how it went. She told me to watch what I read since a lot of what I read promotes bad behavior.

If sessions continue like this where she doesn’t freak out about the stuff I tell her that happened during the week or if she doesn’t push me to the point of anger I can manage with her until I move. I told her I think not emailing her throughout the week actually makes sessions better and I can talk a lot more in session because I haven’t emailed her everything throughout the week.

But yeah today was good.