Oh, look, my kind of thread Used to be at any rate.

Kind of agree, feelings can s*ck, as my most recent run-in with panic attacks prove.

You can change though, I am certain. I changed. My situation was less sustainable than yours though, I had some rather intense dark urges and I in no way would go back to that, panic attacks or no. At least now I can live. I might need help (remains to be seen), but this is more sustainable if also more painful. Note my feelings are more of a side-effect of my self-therapy. Not sure they were a goal at the beginning. Mind you, they do add flavour to life and I am looking forward to exploring the positive aspects. I hope I can manage to do so without falling apart..

SO, entirely up to you which path to walk upon, imho...