So Sorry you're feeling like this. It is perfectly understandable that you'd feel like this given your past traumas. i agree with the wise and wonderful Open Eyes that Perhaps a visit with a therapist may be a good idea to try to work things out if you aren't seeing one already? It is likely important to work on ourselves before deciding to pursue relationships with others. Please do not give up Hope. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Health Warrior, your Family, your Friends, your future Partner and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!