I began today’s session by sharing the news regarding the future publication of my poem about my relationship with R.

She said it made her feel a bit emotional, and that she was proud of me. We ended up retracing my process around the poem, and I gave voice to some of my fears. She understood my unease about sharing such a personal aspect of my life through poetry.
I recognised that I might have spent a little too much time on the topic, so we changed tack into talking about my anger, as we had previously discussed. When R asked what my latest news had done to my emotional landscape, I replied that it had brought balance.

‘And perhaps a bit of light?’
‘Yes.’
I spoke at length about my struggle to allow the anger to be there, as it is a different kind of anger to the frustrations I have previously experienced. ‘This is more long term.’
We talked again about my fear of the fallout if I let my anger out. R queried my belief that anger has to be directed at somebody if I let it out.

‘It’s the idea that they knew what they were doing – ‘Because of all you’ve been through, etc.’

‘They knew, and yet they continued.’
‘Exactly.’
I wrestled with myself a bit before I spoke again. ‘You know how much I hate bringing P into this space.’
‘I nearly mentioned P when we were talking about our relationship. It came into my mind for a split second, but I am aware of the uncomfortability around it, so I didn’t, but…bring her in.’
There was a moment where she asked me if I had reached out to them to ask why. Eye contact with her was difficult, but I think I gave her a look. My response was ‘Of course not’, and she replied ‘Why not? Because you’re too angry?’

R reaffirmed that she was ‘infuriated’ by the way P treated me. ‘More pushing you than working with you…is there some anger there?’
I gathered myself before I responded. ‘I spent more time trying to explain how this came to be than anything else. If therapy is 50% about being heard, and 50% overhearing yourself…that first 50% needs to be in place.’
‘Being heard and understood. Understanding is very important to you.’
‘Yes. In both situations, I needed understanding, and didn’t get it. The one person in the world who would have understood is no longer in the world…and they targeted her too.’
‘So there’s anger on Chris’ behalf as well, but your needs weren’t met. That is huge. How does that make you feel?’

‘It’s on the tip of my tongue, so I may as well use it. It’s like a red rag to a bull.’
R then said she was aware we had discussed leaving more time for breathing exercises, which we hadn’t managed this time. She asked whether I still wanted to do that, and I replied that I would rather go with the flow. If we need to spend more time breathing, we can.
She asked whether there was anything left over, at which point I mentioned the online singing workshops I have joined for people living with physical pain. We spoke about my reason for joining, and then I revealed why I brought it up.

‘What is the one song that I don’t want to bump into under any circumstances? And what is the next song we are doing?’
‘There’s no such thing as coincidence. You’re speaking from a place of fear, but I can tell there is a part of you that really wants to go. I would offer you to feel your way into it. Forgive yourself if you don’t go…and just be kind to yourself.’
‘I didn’t realise how good it felt to sing. Music is a necessity to me, not just a hobby.’
‘Music is medicine.’
‘Exactly.’
Our breathing exercises today focused on letting go of some anger.