I just read most of the day. Stayed off social media until now. I watched an hour of the today show. I went to Walmart to exchange a shirt for a smaller size and tank tops for a larger size. I don’t get why Fruit Of The Loom tank tops run so small. But I’m reading stuff my therapist doesn’t like. And I know I have an issue with food restricting. Sometimes I go long periods of time without eating and then I’m at the sink at 1:30AM peeling a hard boiled egg and trying not to pass out. Today wasn’t too good. I am lightheaded and kind of dizzy. I had a lot of fruit though. And some protein. My family and therapist don’t realize how big of an issue this has become. I’m scared to tell them. I have dreams about food and then when I wake up I have to reassure myself the dreams are not true. Basically I first learned about eating disorders when I was 5 and I saw Karen Carpenter on TV. I was intrigued by her and remember asking my mom about her and she told me about her. Then I learned more from a babysitters club book when I was 10. There was also an episode of different strokes I saw when I was 7 where I really learned about bulimia. Then the meds screwed so badly with my weight. I lost a lot of weight and Then my transition started. I manipulate meds like crazy. I take Xanax instead when I’m hungry. I like the self control. I lie a lot to my mom and my therapist. I weigh myself twice a day. I do body checks every time I come into contact with a mirror. I chug a lot of water so I’m not hungry. Basically I have a problem and I’m scared to tell people how bad it actually is. I worry about going inpatient or getting a new specialist therapist. I don’t know. It sucks when my Pdoc and surgeon are all like “you look great!” Not realizing it’s a struggle. Sorry for the rant but it’s been bad today.