The past few months have been so difficult and haven't been kind to my relationship - although admittedly I don't think my actions have been either and I want to get a few things off my chest. This may be a long read so I appreciate it if anyone is able to stick with me.

I have been in a relationship with my fiancé for 8 years, engaged for 6 and living together for 5 of those years. We had a great relationship in the beginning, but once we moved in together, and with the benefit of hindsight, the past 5 years have not met my expectations. I say this because I don't want to say they have not been what they SHOULD be, since everyone has different expectations, goals etc. We have had some great times in those years, but overall, I have been looking back and I have been unhappy. Suggestions for things to do together have often been dismissed, he had shown little interest in planning the wedding (he claims this is down to money and affordability - understandable to a point), and has been a little controlling with money generally, our joint savings, not happy with how I spend my own money etc but will buy whatever he wants for himself. General picture of the issues I have, we have discussed these and we are working on them. However…

This was all triggered because I made a male friend during lockdown with similar interests and he completely understands me in a way others can't. He is interested in spirituality and I have much to learn from him. We had a connection that I could not explain and knowing what I know about spiritual connections I don't want to lose that. It wasn't particularly romantic, but it was a connection nonetheless. Perhaps I idolised him because this is something my partner was not interested in, however, when talking to another friend about my new friend, she had mentioned that it was almost like going beyond a date because you skip the small talk. This triggered my partner so badly that he became understandably jealous.

I met up with my new friend with the intention of discussing spiritual things in person and engaging in meditation, the night before this my partner asked me not to go because he was feeling very insecure but then changed his mind. I went, we agreed to meet at my friend's house as it is easier to meditate in peace than outside or in a cafe. If I had not felt safe, I would not have agreed to this, however, I didn't mention this to my partner because I didn't think to. I was just excited to be meeting and learning from someone with the same interests. My partner opened up to me when I returned home that he had a bad day with his thoughts and emotions and was worried about me, and that he had checked my location using an app we share and that is where the problems really started. I wasn't hiding anything intentionally, he could obviously check the app whenever he wanted but he was angry because I could have been hurt since I don't really know this person. I understood and agreed with him.

My partner became jealous of the amount of messages we were sending back and forth, a lot of this was sharing similar tastes in music or movies, asking bigger existential questions, our thoughts on life, death and all the rest of it. My partner asked me to cut down the amount of messaging because it was uncomfortable for him, and I did but it wasn't enough. It wasn't cut down enough to meet his expectations. I should add that I am currently unemployed and have more time on my hands too, so it was nice to have someone to talk to about these things plus it meant I had someone to bounce my thoughts off in terms of spirituality that my partner wasn't particularly interested in.

In December, my partner had gotten upset and was struggling with his emotions and his thoughts. I have never seen him like this before, he has never been jealous of anyone in the time we have been together. I met with a different friend for coffee leaving him in an emotional state (he insisted I go, I felt bad leaving). He felt inadequate, that he could never have that spiritual connection with me, he didn't take me seriously when I became interested in spirituality and he was sorry, he's scared I outgrow him etc. I suggested he meet my friend so he knew there was no threat but he refused. I was fully supportive of him during this time, trying to reassure him as much as I could. He even wanted to check messages on my phone, which I let him see for his peace of mind.

A few days after this, I met with my new friend to speak with him about this, that it was dragging me down. Unfortunately, even with good intentions, I met my friend in secret (I didn't want my partner to be upset and assume the worst as silly as it sounds, which is why I kept it secret) and asked if we could cut down properly with the amount of messaging to focus on my relationship. He was completely understanding but told me that life shouldn't be this restrictive, we're doing nothing wrong by being friends. When I got home, my partner asked me if I met with my friend and I couldn't lie. He was upset by me doing it in secret and having no intention of telling him. I admit this was silly, I just didn't want to upset and trigger my partner even more.

Just before Christmas, I stupidly posted on another public forum anonymously about a spiritual topic and mentioned it to my partner. I didn't tell him the full extent of it, in that I had a fleeting thought of what would life be like if I was in a relationship with my new friend because he understands me in a way no one else has, strong connection etc. It was fleeting, and we can all imagine things like that. It wasn't an obsessive thing and I wouldn't have acted on it. He found this because he wanted to be able to discuss more spiritual topics with me, and recognised my post from the content. My partner and I were in a really bad place and he asked for the sake of our relationship that I don't speak with my friend again until he is comfortable enough for me to do so, which I have agreed to. It is very difficult.

Christmas and New Year were incredibly difficult for us and he has shown signs of manipulative behaviour even if this is subconscious because of how he is feeling. I felt overwhelmed with it all, as he was off work during the Christmas period we were around each other all the time that I opened up and told him I don't know if this can be fixed and that I have considered whether I want to stay or go. We agreed to work on things.

Feeling overwhelmed has not helped by the lockdown restrictions here, as we can't go anywhere to get space from each other. He needs more attention and I want more space so we are trying to find a balance. He has more attentive, more interested, he now suddenly wants to do things together that I have been pushing him to do for years but he had no interest in. He now wants to plan a wedding, which I have suddenly lost interest in with the way I have been feeling. He has been worried when I speak to other friends who are male that he has never met before. It even bothers him because I haven't been saying 'I love you' as often, not intentionally but he obviously seems to notice. I really worry about him and have asked he speak to a therapist.

He isn't ready for me to start speaking with my friend again, because he is still struggling with this.

Every single day is difficult for me. I know it isn't easy for him either but this is a mess and I need to open up about it to people who aren't close to the situation for advice/guidance/support. I know I may not have helped the situation with some of my actions and behaviours, it just doesn't seem to be getting better, at least not for me.

I am happy to be called out on my behaviour, as a relationship is two people who should be a team so please if anyone has any insight or thoughts, calling me out or otherwise, please do tell me. I will appreciate it.