So, it was a good friend that was divorcing her alcoholic husband that explained to me how to know "there is a problem". It was not long before I had a fight with my husband who once again drank until he blacked out and was out all night. Back then there were no cell phones so it was not easy to find out where a person was or if they were ok. So I ended up spending the night at my friend's house and she took me to an Alanon meeting. I will never forget that experience because the people I saw all looked horrible, literally as though the life was sucked out of them. And the next thing I know several of these people were telling me to leave my husband. I did hate it when he drank but I really did love him and certainly was not ready to experience what I did at that meeting.

It took me time to think about that experience and finally that's when I said to my husband that I could not live the way I was living anymore and that either he did something about his drinking or I would divorce him. That same night he went to an AA meeting and 29 years later has not drank any alcohol. He came home admitting that he did not realize he had a problem and that he was going to stop drinking.

When he celebrates another year of sobriety, while I do appreciate that he kept his word, I also remember how it was when I had to worry. I also remember how just not drinking was only the first step and all the things he had to learn which kept him from maturing. The way he ran away by choosing alcohol not realizing it was inhibiting his level of maturity that he had to work on.

He remained active in AA and he continued to get help and he helped others. So, when I think of the years I also think about how he also was committed to helping/saving others too. Every once in a while I hear him talking with others because someone went out and drank and no one knew where he was. It reminded me of what it felt like for me when that happened. Then he would have to leave early to go and pick up someone that lost their license and he would get that person to a meeting. Then there are the older ones that can't drive anymore and they take turns getting him to meetings or have even had small meetings at the individual's house.

People tend to think of an alcoholic as some homeless bum. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It affects people from all walks of life. Yes, even professionals that hold high positions that one would never think had the problem. Yet, in the rooms, none of that matters and what matters is helping someone learn how to live their life differently.

It's a big decision to stay with someone that has a problem. I had not realized that when I chose to stay and support my husband's effort to stop drinking and change his lifestyle. There is always that part of the person that will be involved with this disease even when no longer actively in the disease. I try to think about that in a way that means "saving" the lives of others and respecting how challenging that can be.

I do not care to engage with someone active in the disease because they do NOT have the ability to respect my space. Their needs happen and the world has to revolve around them no matter what I am dealing with. And they can be very entitled when it's actually inappropriate. It's as though all else disappears except their needs and they do not even see it. There is definitely a lot of narcissism in this disease.