Trigger icon applied for mention of SI

As some of you may know, I go to a group for women with borderline personality disorder. It is run by a facilitator who is in recovery from the disorder. We meet every other week.

Well, before I started the group, I thought that a lot of the women would be self-injurers. Well, counting the facilitator (who counts herself as part of the group of course), there are NO active SI'ers except for me. Actually, no one is even a past SI'er besdies the facilitator and one or two of the woman tried it in the past, but it really wasn't their thing.

I have established a strong connection with the facilitator. We are alike in many ways and she has acknowledged a reciprocal connection. This is kinda weird for me cause... she's a woman! But it works. We have met individually on the weekend to discuss my SI and other things-- and I have called her on one occasion when I felt out of control. We keep in touch by email, too.

The group is aware that my main symptoms is SI and that is what have been struggling with to an overwhelming extent for a long time now. So I have spoken about my SI on several occasions.

I have noticed that within this group, everyone gets triggered by everything. That makes it difficult. I am not the type of person who gets easily triggered. Basically, I just trigger myself.

Well, last night in group, one member told us that she cut over the weekend. This is someone who never had cutting as a symptom-- she only tried it once or twice when she was younger, but never continued because she does not have a high tolerance for pain.

I immediately began to feel guilty because although I know that she is responsible for her own behavior, my accounts of cutting are possibly what drove her towards that decision of destructive behavior.

When I spoke with the facilitator about this afterwards, she agreed that it was the other member's responsibility for her own behaviors-- she also agreed that when I talk about SI that could fuel the ideas for other people because especially in BPD, people tend to mimick the behaviors of others.

The facilitator told me that she wants to keep everyone in group safe and that I should possibly hold off on talking to about my SI in group for awhile-- but she offered herself to me completely and said that I could call, email, and talk with any time I want about my SI.

What do you guys think about this?

I'm not sure what to do. I really like the facilitator and I connect with her very much. I don't think that it is fair to censor myself. This is why I didn't want to get into a group situation to begin with. I am very open and although I am sensitive to the needs of others, that's the point of group process-- you put something out there and then the group deals with out it made them feel. Like T said, "you are not their therapist-- why can't you say what you want?" (He said this yesterday in our session before group, so he doesn't know what happened yet."

I don't think I relate well to the women in the group. I mean, our connectionexists by the fact that we have many similar experiences.... however, I never feel as though I can fully relate. Maybe it doesn't even matter that I can't discuss my SI because no one in the group really gets it anyway? What is the point of discussing my SI in the group? What is the point of going to the group?