Well its been quit sometime, and finally got the authorization and ready to resume therapy regularly, but what i cant tell you is that the emotional toll of all that prior has me totally shutdown and still the feeling of apathetic lingers. started gambling so far like 3 times playing lottery and tonight i am drinking. I think about what to say to you and really have nothing. its not you of course but its where I am at. things have been relatively the same since and I know I have not written you since Jan 8 or 9th. its not to say things are awesome but rather I am in the pathetic mood, that talking to you and opening up things just to have it closed til next week sucks, prior it was month and waiting 30 days was ****ing hell. I just am not able to do that anymore. I am sure there is a part of me that cares to talk but I have no idea where she is. You did not care to write to my many emails so I stopped. it hurts and I will not tell you that. sure you would turn it into some attachement thing and really if or not that it doesnt matter. I just do not want to talk about it anymore.