I had a terrible night. I tossed and turned all night from nightmares and night sweats. The last one that woke me up in a panic was that a student killed a teacher and it was my fault. In my dream the head of the de escalation team put me in charge the day she was going to be absent. The other floor staff was pissed off because I didn’t deserve it. I couldn’t talk a student down and she killed the teacher right in front of me. I went home and went over and over how I could have stopped it. I thought if I had just tried to get her into a restraint, twisted her arms away from the teacher I could have saved the teacher. But I knew the student was too strong for me and I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I felt like I should have tried though, even though I knew I wouldn’t have been able to.

I know exactly what this represents. It represents the beginning of hell for me of working through trauma.

I feel very out of sorts today. I feel worse knowing RS will likely be gone by midday and won’t return until sometime Tuesday. Only because he works for an HOA and must plow snow. This storm isn’t like the last one, it’s going to be snowing steadily from this afternoon all the way through until early Tuesday morning. That means it won’t be just one pass around and then he’ll be home like last time. He’ll have to continually make passes all day and night. He does get breaks to catch a nap and eat some food so that’s good. But I’ll be alone with my thoughts and my son, who I must put on a face for. It’s so hard to do that.

I guarantee I’ll be off tomorrow and I might be off Tuesday as well. At least there’s that.