Dear rdgrad15,

What you describe is such a difficult situation. So many unknowns. It is surely a fact that people can be hurt by what we say even when we have the best intentions. We often have no way of knowing what people's reactions will be.

And I think this applies to all kinds of situations and not just the one you mentioned, although that one is especially thorny. Despite our best intentions, we often rub people the wrong way or worse, we cause them pain. Even this reply to your post which I am typing right now . . . I have no idea how it will affect you.

Regarding the offering or withholding of condolences . . . I think it must be quite a universal problem since I recall reading many letters addressed to that concern in the American newspaper advice columns like "Dear Abbey" or "Ask Ann Landers" and others. Hopefully others here will have some really insightful and solid advice for you. Sorry that am at such at loss for helpful words to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen