i know Kiya.. i'm worried about me too.

the "rules" changing means T has changed what i am allowed or not allowed to do.
1. not allowed to ask for him to call me back unless it is an extreme emergency (in which case he and i both know the ER or my pdoc would make better sense to call)
2. not allowed to ask for voicemails anymore... even though they have been so very helpful to me
3. not allowed to ask for reassurance of any kind

these changes have really broken me down... they were all i had to stay connected.. i am ok with the first one.. generally.. i still think an occasional call is not too much to ask though.

what i need to talk about has an element of reassurance to it.. but that reassurance is connected to larger ideas.. and it is THOSE that i can't talk about. i had trouble enough trying to work up to talking about it before.. now its impossible. i cannot take the risk that he will turn me down due to the reassurance aspect.. i just can't.

he is unwittingly repeating a pattern that others have perpetrated every since i was a small child... and that of course is the larger issue that i can't talk about

the only reason i cannot take the chance is because i don't know for sure what he will do in response.. the ONLY reason. If i felt secure in how he would act, i would force myself to talk about it. The recent changes have left me not understanding anything anymore.

i did try to tell him that this risk was too big.. tried to tell him i would rather walk than get the slap in the face i am expecting. His response? "...it would depend on the type of reassurance you were asking for..."

NO

NO IT SHOULD NOT

it should be a given that when i desperately NEED him or something from him i can just KNOW it's there. Period.