First, let me start by saying that I will be ok. I just need to vent what I have been feeling lately.

The tumultuous ocean is ravaging my soul and I feel like I am drowning, yet only to surface and find myself struggling to stay afloat. I have come to hate where I am in my life, alone and in despair. I weep and my broken heart bleeds, for when will I find the peace I crave? Perhaps that is a myth that I must no longer pursue--my faith in hope.

To hear my daughter beg me to return to mommy rips my soul apart. It puts my soul in a state of despair that I cannot give this desire to my little unicorn. Her begging drowns my feelings of hope and I can only tell her I am sorry so many times. I cannot give her what she wants. I would give her the stars if I could, but this is one thing I cannot give her. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that her innocent heart is being trampled by the reality of life. I did not want this for her, but then again I am the monster. To know it was my fault for what happened, tears my heart and drains my soul of hope. When my little unicorn discovers this, how will she look at me? Probably with disdain, like most others who have mattered to me.

There is a monster that was incubated by my mother a long time ago, due to years of emotional and psychological torment. She broke what could have been probably a bright soul. In time, the monster that I created within is so savage, it has ripped my innocence from me. This monster has destroyed everything in my past, most ex friends and girlfriends want nothing to do with me. I don't blame them, since I can be pretty gruesome. I just don't know the antidote. I have tried therapy and have yet to discover an answer to this rage, this seething rage that can come out of nowhere. This rage that destroys everything I value. It is a miracle that I survived this long, since it also seeks to destroy me.

When will it stop? Is there an antidote? I hope it doesn't appear at my innocent daughter. I blame myself for bringing something so beautiful to this world, knowing that within me lies something so dark. How could I? Where is hope? I am beyond frustrated and the seething monster rages inside me. This isolation is ripping me apart and I just want to be at peace. But, I am constantly reminded by my past and haunted for what I am--a monster.

--sarc