Please don't feel the need to reach out to me, I'll be fine but I'm currently going through a really bad phase and need to rant. Obviously don't read if this could trigger you!

Eating is so painful right now. I don't want to eat at all. I hate being able to feel my body after I eat. I hate being aware of my stomach. I think larger bodies are beautiful and there's nothing wrong with them but I hate how I look and feel and I don't understand it. Right now I can't eat without feeling nauseous. I try to throw up, I know I shouldn't, but it's so painful and I just want to escape the feeling. It hurts even more that I can never throw it all up. The foods I have to eat make it so much worse. I wish I could get a job and get the foods I want. When I don't eat I feel so much happier, it's the only time I'm relaxed. I get an entirely different mindset. I wish I could be happy when I eat. It's not just the way I look, it's being aware of my body. The feeling of being full. I don't want to be able to feel my body. I wish I could be normal.