Quote:
Originally Posted by AzulOscuro
First of all, you are not a monster. Maybe you made big mistakes and behaved bad, ok. But, there are few people who are what we can call real monsters and the only fact that you mention it, takes you away from that category.
I see lots of despair, feeling of guilty and frustration.
You only wanted to put these all out and vent in the thread and I do understand you but how in the earth, we are not gonna try to tell you something since we find your deeply sadness and you being not just hard but implacable with yourself, so palpable.
Who is your daughter living with and how old is she?
And what happened when your wife and you separate yourselves. I mean, in regards to what happen to you kid. How did she live it?
Normally, when kids have a hard time when parents split but they have also an amazing capacity for adaptation when they received and can feel the love from their parents, independently if they are together or apart.
You mentioned that you did therapy. When you were a couple with your wife or now that you are alone? I tell you because many times a therapy may not work for different circumstances but you could give it another go, for you daughter.
My apologise for so many questions that of course, which ones, I will be on your part, whether you are prepare to reply and also if you don’t reply because you are not ready or see it hard.
|
Azul,
Thank you for your detailed response. I will try to answer some of your questions here. My daughter is only 7, she will soon be 8, and she lives primarily with her mother. I made this choice, since I wanted to give her a sense of home. I could've had 50/50 custody, yet I refer back to my previous statement. In my opinion, a 50/50 custody arrangement is tough on such a young mind, with the constant change. Children need stability and structure, and that constant change could create chaos for her little mind. I know some children do better in 50/50 situations, but I know my daughter and it would have been rough on her.
Regarding what happened between her mother (my ex) and I. We were two very different people, with different perspectives of the world. She and I would get into some very nasty arguments. As I said before, I can get angry and if the monster comes out, I have a VERY HARD time controlling him. I feel I am the hulk, metaphorically speaking. I loved her commitment to her honesty and truth; furthermore, she had a dedicated commitment to morality. I found these qualities to be a guiding force in her and loved her for it.
She also had a son from a previous marriage. I had the rare opportunity to watch how she was as a mother. I loved and cherished how she was with her son, so that gave me evidence that she would be a good mother.
That was my first images of her, full of good morals and a great mother. This was the woman I fell in love with. Sadly, when we got together the monster would come out of me and rage at her. I am not sure if she was intentional, but some of her statements would trigger me. When I felt the monster emerging, there was no turning back, and I would lash out at her. Let me say this, I NEVER hit her. But, my anger is/was terrifying. I terrified my ex so much that it, according to her, made her stop loving me. Eventually, she was done and said the divorce was the only reality for us. I begged and begged for the salvation of our marriage, but she was determined to leave me. There was nothing I could do and I knew who was at fault--me. She would not even attempt therapy. During the last two years of our marriage, she got icy cold and there were no moments of love and in fact, she told me that she was no longer in love with me. This devastated me, since I knew why.
I made a commitment to myself to try to not have a marriage like my own parents. They argued constantly, and as I said, my own mother was gruesome to me. I have talked about it in another forum.
I have failed so many times...Most of my friendships and relationships have ended this way, due to my anger....this is the source of my frustration.
The therapy was for myself, as I mentioned that she wasn't interested in therapy.
regards,
--sarc