Azuloscuro,

Well, I am touched by your posts and interest in my relationship with my daughter. Watching her being born reawakened what I thought was dead in me--hope. Yet hope seems to be eluding me at this moment in life whereby I feel as if I am drowning in a tempestuous ocean.

My daughter asks for me to return to mommy when she's with me and on the phone, also in person when I come to pick her up. I know this triggers me, since I know I was to blame for the failure in the divorce. It causes me to shake my head in disbelief to know that this little innocent mind is already being damaged. I don't know how to help her when I feel like I am up to my throat drowning in sorrow. Everyone around me tells me to be strong, but I am caught in the reality of the situation. I know I destroyed something that could've been a future. I cannot forgive myself due to this and my past, since it reoccurs.

I really honestly don't know what she is telling me to return to mommy. For all it does is remind me of what I did.

Geeze, I realize now that I must sound like a pity party. I don't want pity. I just want the frustration to end, the ability to recognize that I am damaged goods and just move on. I feel like the most horrible human being on this Earth and knowing that my little girl is hurting--kills me in anguish.

That is all I can say on this matter...

--sarc