I don’t remember self sabotage, but in the spring or summer I start to feel good and stop taking my meds. That turns into a giant snowball because I start drinking heavy again (alcoholic) and my moods plummet to despair. Next thing you know I feel hopeless and depressed again and the cycle starts over. I hope you can find a way to overcome the self sabotage with the help of these forums, family and friends. You are worth it, try to stay positive and you deserve to have a happy life. I wish you the best. Please keep coming back to this forum, it really does help.