Well first I was doing therapy in the garage with the doors open so I could get light. The painter was there and I wanted total privacy. It was 10 degrees out and I had my jacket on. Then when she signed on She seemed a bit confused but then I told her I was in the car and why. And I said “I want to legit talk today because I feel like I’m having a lot of transference in sessions and I’m out of control with my meds and food”. So we talked. I told her before I started transitioning things were ok. And she was like all the other therapists I had. But then my hormones got out of whack and things just became different. Especially since we were doing video sessions the whole time. I thought she was going to be upset or not know how to handle that I was having transference. But she was totally cool about the whole thing. I said it was like that U2 song With Or Without You. She seemed confused and at first didn’t know what I was talking about and it clicked and she said “oh yeah, got you.” She asked how I would feel if I set up an appointment with the therapist I’m going to see when I move. So I could transfer now. Everyone in the state is still doing video sessions. Her answer made a **** ton of sense I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. I told her about the med situation Wednesday and how I felt like a failure for not being able to join the 27 club. I told her about the Benadryl on Friday. She seemed to think that on Friday maybe I was having a flashback to when I’d get Benadryl shots in the psych hospital. and I told her about Saturday when I did finally give my mom my meds. I told her a lot of it was a PMS thing. And we just really talked. So she emailed my mom a release form and my mom and I are going to start to figure out another therapist. I’m hoping to have one last session with my current T next week. But what happens happens. Maybe the new one can fit me in next week. I told my current T it wasn’t her fault it was mine. And I appreciated everything she did for me. That I don’t know if I would have had the courage to come out as trans if it wasn’t for her helping me and giving me the name of my primary. She said it was a big deal for me to admit that I was having these transference issues and she said there was no fault on anyone’s side. We made another safety plan.

I don’t know. I have mixed feelings but basically right now I’m just super relieved and like a weight that I’ve been carrying for a long time has been lifted.