It's been such a bad day for me. I feel so unhappy with everything right now.


Despite the everyday issues I have with living here, or feeling pushed and prodded... I also have my issues with apparently my divorce.


Not a day goes by my ex doesn't come to mind. I mean, it's not so weird things are coming up more now -- her birthday was the 4th. But I've never been able to not think about her. In everything I do. Now I'm having nightmares or negative "dreams" (none that leave me feeling good) about her and they color my day. I haven't physically seen her in going over 1.5 years. My divorce has been final for over a year. Why can't I let go? Why do I hold onto her so tightly? I just don't understand why it's still affecting everything I do. Enough is enough.

I just don't know why I am not able to just put it behind me. I loved her with all my heart and she never loved me. Whereever she is, whatever she is doing now -- I do hope she is happy and well. I don't want to know anything about her, but I don't wish her ill will. I do however grieve the person I loved who may never have even existed, just my imagination creating someone who could love me too. It's always one step forward, two steps back with me. I've never felt I'd ever marry again or really try, because it hurt me so badly. It'll be two years in the summer, and I haven't waivered in the slightest in that regard. I am not kidding when I say not a day goes by without thinking of her. Even in moments I really wish not to associate her anymore. I know I am probably the only one still (or who ever was) hurting but I just don't know how to stop feeling this way.

I'd really do anything to just not have to feel this way, and forget. I know people say things like "better to loved and to have lost" nonsense -- for some they can find the beauty in that, I am not one of those people. If I could simply forget .. I would be happier. Sadly there is no way to accomplish that. Memory and emotion and the brain is all too complex to have a simple switch. Apparently running away and "forgetting" isn't a new concept for me, a few years ago and this summer both I had bouts of memories flooding back I hadn't thought about since the time they happened it felt like. (I won't go as far as to say I believe in repressed memories, but they definitely weren't things I would recall even if asked about things directly surrounding, but not being, the event.).


I'm getting off track.

I know I should give myself time to grieve, I am impatient when it comes to pain. 1.5 years isn't that long of a time. But there are days like today I feel like I'm starting all over again grieving, and it hurts. When will that stop? When can I feel OK again?