I really worried. I really am. I feel like I might be imploding into myself. My brain was out of control today. Last night I didn’t sleep until 3:30am. At 2:15am I was in the kitchen making up 1oz sandwich bags of chips so I could stop over eating as much. I was flipping and flopping and prowling the house. I woke up at 7 and have not felt tired not once all day. Quick step, very gregarious.

Mostly my brain will not. Shut. Up. I was consumed with the thought of making chocolate chip cookies all day, which necessitated a trip to buy new cookie sheets. I came home and meticulously cleaned the entire kitchen but I never did end up making the cookies.

I know it has to be because of the abrupt halt of lamictal, but it is worrying. I started back on lamictal today. Didn’t feel comfortable plunging directly back into 300mg though, not on a weekday. Thankfully we have a long weekend so I have four days to work it out without fear of missing work.

I forgot just how awful it is to have thoughts racing around, crashing into each other like this. Stupid ****ing songs looping through my mind. Like just shut the **** up. And I’m hearing myself screaming at myself over and over RELAX DAMMIT RELAX and obviously that doesn’t help.

I never told RS about the scratches, actually forgot about them until yesterday because they’re not in my usual spot and thus out of sight, out of mind you know? Now I feel like it’s too late. I’m trying to keep my **** together because I am afraid of being berated and ridiculed and accused of doing it on purpose to hurt others. It’s happened all my life with every single other person. Why should RS be any different?

I don’t even know what I’m saying. I do know that tomorrow night I am taking extra seroquel if I still can’t sleep because I have off Friday so a med hangover isn’t a big deal.