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laughnotcry
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Member Since: Feb 2021
Location: Kansas
Posts: 6
3 yr Member
Default Feb 12, 2021 at 12:13 AM
 
My eldest kid is almost 28 yrs old. He has a variety of diagnosis, including BiPolar, OCD, and Autism Spectrum. He is living with a girlfriend, but that is about to change: girlfriend is moving out of state, leaving my son alone in the apartment. My son does not drive and does not do well being by himself for more than a few hours at a time. The lease on the apartment doesn't end until July.

I'm not really sure where to start with explaining my concerns, except that I see a crisis coming. Right now my son is quarantining for two weeks so that he can come and visit with me, his dad, and his brother (we have barely seen each other since March last year). I do want to see him. I do want to be able to do family stuff, like eating together and watching movies. I want to be able to give him hugs, Really what I want though is to visit with him, not live with him, take care of him, or be responsible for him.

He is asking why he can't live here, at least for a few months, while he "recovers" from stress. It turns out he has weaned himself off all 3 of his mental health medications. This has happened before - he ended up with months of mental health challenges which also manifested as severe physical symptoms. Granted, the medications did not solve his problems, but being off them is certainly not going to help him get through the rest of the pandemic, whatever his living situation. Last summer and fall he decided to go back to college. His girlfriend was still in college, doing a graduate degree. Now his girlfriend has quit her graduate degree (and job that goes with it). In the fall my son was taking a full course load as well as working two part-time jobs. He got great grades, and all of this despite the pandemic. Now he quit one of his jobs (bosses were getting worse), withdrew from his classes (he apparently did not attend any classes or do any homework during the first few weeks of the semester), and lost his other job (which was tied to him being a student). The reason he gives for dropping his classes is that college can't give you a couple of weeks off to get through difficult times. He is on disability benefits, but seems to think he can get off those when he gets a better part-time job. As far as I know he is not currently job hunting.

Since I am concerned about how his needs affect the mental health of both myself and my husband (and maybe our other son, who still lives with us), that is my main thought of how to explain why he can't come and live here. Last time he was living here he did nothing to help around the house, did not walk his dog, did not clean up after his cat, got upset about many topics at the dinner table (to the extent that he would shutdown), wanted someone with him almost all the time, and he did nothing to find a job (until he decided that he wanted to move out and he needed a job to do that). Once he decided to move out he finally asked the counselor, who was trying to help him to get work, for the help he really needed and he got a job within a couple of weeks.

I am greatly concerned that his girlfriend is also going to break off the relationship shortly after moving (right now my son believes that they are going to get an apartment together in a different state once they have had time away from stress, assuming my son actually wants to move out of state). Most of this has happened before - moved out to live with a friend, but then ended up back living here suddenly. It would be bad enough, but he now has 2 dogs, 1 cat, a whole apartment worth of stuff (he can't seem to part with anything much at all), and some amount of student debt. Helping him has been constant, even during the 4 years he was away from home at college (he is smart and graduated suma cum laude, but then decided not to use his degree). When he was in college my husband and I literally couldn't even have a night away to help my younger son find a college placement without my eldest having some kind of urgent matter that needed my attention. For the last year we have had a break from caring for him, but I imagine his girlfriend has had to take up much of that slack.

I hate that if he can't figure out how to help himself he will end up losing almost everything and he will be homeless. I have been trying to locate resources to help him with affordable housing options - in the event that he doesn't move out of state - but I've not found much of help, and he needs so much more than that anyway.

Thanks for 'listening'. Just some thoughts on how to speak with him about my needs would be good.
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