***mention of SI***

I was feeling defensive before I even went to see T tonight. I have a lot of family and marriage issues galore.

Here is why I am upset. My T will slip in comments here and there about a topic I've been avoiding. It makes me uncomfortable and it should because rather than telling him straight out about a difficult topic, I said it was someone else.

So, a few weeks ago he asked again for clarification on who is who and what is the real story so to speak. When he does this he tries to be humorous and in my opinion seems to enjoy doing it too much. I immediately feel ashamed and embarrassed and clam up.

Now, I laugh at myself all the time and maybe someday we'll laugh at this too but I communicated something to him the only way I knew how at the time. If he would've made me feel more comfortable to talk about ET (erotic transference) then maybe I wouldn't have had to go that route.

He does better with that now but early on it would lead to a discussion on boundaries and/or he would seem uncomfortable himself and say it wasn't about him. Where was the empathy and permission for these feelings?? At the time I wasn't getting it.

Every since a rupture we had over the summer, a bad one, and I was emotionally out of control and suicidal at that session. I really thought this is it, he's going to send me to the hospital.

This was on a different topic but that night I admitted to him that I wasn't being straight with him on some things and in the middle of me telling him this he asked too many questions, seemed to me in an enjoyable way and I froze.

Okay this is my issue I know, but he keeps trying to get clarification but does it in a coy manner.

That does nothing for my trust issues. Then seemingly enjoying my uncomfortableness hurts me all the more.

Tonight I told him most of what I am saying here and said let's resolve it and talk about it tonight and then we're done. It's time to put it to bed so to speak.

I explained all of it again and answered his questions. I asked him if it is now resolved, he said yes. I said further 'so you aren't going to slip some subtle question in on this topic 5 minutes before I leave some other night?

He said no and we talked about my trust issues and he said that I always think someone has an angle or agenda. I've known that and so has he for 2.5 years!! So, why does he push these buttons in me then? Is he trying to hurt me and if so, why? I thought originally that he knew what I was doing all along and just waited for me to come to it.

Now, I'm not so sure. Maybe he's angry at me because he really did't know and it's coming out in his style? I've thought before tonight that he knew all along and I've said that to him and he smiles seemingly in agreement. So why is he trying to make me uncomfortable then???

On top of this, it turns out I overpaid therapy by $30 and I told him last week not to worry about it because he's gone over time and not charged me. Just like 5 or 10 minutes here or there.

He said okay. I come in tonight and the office manager has documents for me about my credit. I said we talked last week and I told him not to worry about. I then said unless he isn't letting me get away with that...office manager says 'I don't know.' Again they didn't communicate or T was trying to send some message.

So, I went in there not happy to begin with. T says he forgot to tell him and but I think he's not comfortable with me saying don't worry about it. Oh who knows maybe it is another boundary issue. I meant it as an appreciative gesture and he didn't even remember to tell the office manager. It made me uncomfortable again.

We did laugh and here and there tonight but we didn't connect. I guess we can't connect every week. I came away feeling all is lost between him and I and I caused it.

I just want to cry for hours...