I don't know what made me decide to look up a discussion online, but I thought I'd try it out...I'm not a complainer. I don't have an addictive personality. All I know is that I'm unhappy. The last time I can remember being happy was over a year ago and it was a brief moment. I know that times pass and it's not helpful to live in memories, I'd rather know that it's going to be better in the future. Right now, I don't have such high expectations.

I'm not looking for people to say it's going to be better, I just want it to be better. I am training for a marathon, so my exercise levels are high, my diet is good, I have good friends and family, roommates, job, the list can continue... but for some reason I just can't bring myself to be happy. I know it's a problem because all signs are pointing the other direction. At this point, I'm out of ideas on where to turn to make this turn around. This has been going on for years. I've definitely contemplated suicide many times, but I know I could never do it. My uncle hung himself from my grandmother's basement and I know what that does to a family, and I could never do that to my family again.

I wish I could find someone else to help the pain, but I've been in relationships, and like I said before, those times are moments and are the definition of momentary. What am I supposed to do? The more I think about it, the deeper I'm spiraling and I just want someone out there to be where I've been and give me an idea. I don't want to be this way, but I've grown comfortable being this way which is a problem in itself. My blog (which no one sees) is just a laundry list of variations to this post. It'd be nice to put something down in there... just one thing... I was happy today and I know tomorrow's going to be the same.