Oh boy, where do I start? I guess at the beginning... like a cat, I have 9 lives, 8 are gone. So this is gonna be a long read, but it's my story.

Part 1... My parents met valentine's day 1974. They both had just graduated high school the prior summer. My dad was a "managing" a band, doing all kinds of drugs (it was the 70s!) and the two met at a party. 2 months later my mom got pregnant, 2 months after that they got married. I was born January the next year. From day 1, my dad resented me because I interfered with his partying, but I had a loving mom. I don't have many memories my childhood. I've heard a couple stories like my dad wanting the TV station changed, I was zoned out and didn't hear him, so he threw a show at me. Apparently, all I did was get up and walk into my room like I was a zombie. Over the years, things got worse, I've blacked out most instances, and, of course, now my mom likes to tell me all about them. I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused by my dad. My mom was loving and caring, but also didn't protect me from him.



Part 3.... I moved from my parents to my new boyfriend's (we married at yr 8)grandma's house. For the next 15 years, he went from alcohol to opiates. I worked a full time job, while he watched TV. I was responsible for, well, basically, everything. I endured years of narcissistic physical abuse, gaslighting, trauma bond with him. But I didn't know better, that's how my dad treated me. One day, things got way worse. He had been going out more and I thought he was cheating. I took a look at the cell phone bill, 100's of calls to 800 numbers. I dialed and heard "welcome to great chat live". I lost it. Turns out he had started using meth.

Part 4....Two years later, someone I knew went to treatment. One day I rec'd a phone call from a man called C. He wanted to tell me that said friend is talking bad about me, telling them about sexual things. In actuality, he had heard enough from my friend to know I was a good target. That I was naive, timid, and easily led. He love bombed me. I thought after my ex husband, this is wonderful. C was a flooring installer and he wanted me to stay home as "you worked hard enough already". But all along he was testing me and pushing my boundaries. We moved into a new apartment, my son lived with us, and he's a big dude, for the next 3 years. C was rude and obnoxious towards me when my son was at work, he didn't like the way I fixed his dinner plate, thrown across the room, he didn't like any thing Idid. But he was frightened of my son, so when he was home, he was acting loving again. C had developed a drug addiction, and came home one day in mid January... eerily quiet, eerily calm. He started systematically going through shelves, dressers, books, every inch of the apartment, all along saying over and over "where's the money?" In a weird voice I've never heard. As he got closer to me he said "if I don't find it in gonna start searching through you". I didn't know what that meant. He left the living room, made a phone call, and went into the kitchen. I got up and started picking things off the floor. I heard him say "do not do that" THEN THERE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR! He yelled "who the **** is it?". It was my mom. So he let's me up, I run to the door and open it, I tell her what happened and she calls the police. I went into shock about now and don't recall exactly what happened, but I know the police came, they talked to the 3 of us separately. I told them my side. He told them I tried to kill myself. Apparently, the phone call he made was to my mom, telling her I was acting funny, like I was going to try to hurt myself, but not to worry, he'd handle it. She didn't like his tone and thought he didn't sound normal, so she came over to check. During her talk with police, she said that yes, I have a history of 5+ suicide attempts, and SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE. Because I was incoherent, in shock, they made the decision to believe him, not me. I was hauled to the psych ward and he was thanked for calling my mom. I was there 2 days. I got home to find most electronics gone, my car gone, no food and him no where to be found. He came home a couple days later. The next day, I filled for a restraining order. He was served when he got home from work that day. It was the last I saw of him... and my car because the police didn't even read the restraining order instructions to get all car and house keys from him. For the next few months I dissociated hard almost everyday. I did find some paperwork he had in a bag he left, a 2 inch stack of therapist and psychiatrist NOTES. I don't know how he got copies or why he had them. But plain as day, his diagnosis: Anti-social Personality Disorder, with psychotic tendencies. And many more about talking metroids, that they hurt people. He used to tease me, or so I thought, that the metroids were going to get me, they are watching. I checked myself into the psych ward that night. I started thinking about all the things he did to me and piecing things together.

Part 5....In May, I had an ankle surgery and in the beginning of July I was walking to the gas station to get cigarettes, I was using a walker. My neighbor, from directly across the hall from my apartment, saw me, stopped and gave me a ride. By November we were a couple. I was so grateful that I found a "decent" guy, he was good looking, a gentleman. Not love bombing me. He understood that I'd been through hell and was cautious not to trigger me. In fact, he had OCD, so he said he can relate to the depression and anxiety. In October the following year, I moved across the hall into his apartment. We thought why pay 2 rents, 2 utilities, cable, etc. Things were great, until he had his first "anxiety attack" as he called them, that was no anxiety attack to me, it was a full blown tantrum, like a 4 year old, except with cuss words. I was scared out of my mind. He saw me write as a ghost, shaking, crying and calmed down. It turns out, he doesn't have OCD, he has OCPD, obsessive compulsive personality disorder. So he we go again... manipulation, lies, verbal and emotional abuse. I lasted 4 more years with him. He was also taking care of his mom who has alzhimers, and I felt bad that he was so stressed because of it. I was scared to leave, because he started taking out the frustration on her and she would get scared of him. I needed to be that buffer. I finally found a good therapist and was able to make a healthy decision for myself and in broke up with him 4 months ago. But because his mom is now worse that before, I still try to help him and her, by giving him breaks to go out for a night, and she has me to talk about how horrible he is to her. I am in constant contact with his sister who lives 600 miles away. She is working on getting her into memory care. It's getting closer and I can't wait until I can say. That's all folks! I'm outta here.

I know this was way too long, and I left out a LOT, like a major car accident I was in at 24, severing my right ankle 80% off my calf, which plays into each story. And a little fling I had after my husband, who ended up stealing my work credit card, going over the $5000 max, causing me to get fired from the job and career I had built at a major corporation over the course of 12 years. Which led me to be homeless for a year, and living at a residence for women with mental health and/or addiction. I was there when I met C. I somehow escaped all that with my only addiction being cigarettes and cannabis. I tell my therapist I lived in survivor mode all my life, so I feel like I'm just a baby having to learn what emotions are and what they are supposed to feel like. I was denied safety as a child, leading to me denying my own self rights and boundaries. I'm see starting to heal, bit by bit, and I know it's young to take years of work to undo the cognitive distortions my mind tells me. But, right this moment, I'm content, I have my kitties, I have grandkids who I adore.

P.s. I still have suicidal ideation a lot; however, I only have to think of my son and especially my grandkids to know I can't. I have to be there for those kids. - whole other story about my son and his life. I messed a lot of things up for him as he grew up. I'm going to try to make up for d everything by being the best Memaw I can be.